First of all, I know smoking is stupid.

Jan 30th, 2012 | By | Category: Misc, News


Greensboro cigaretteYou don’t have to tell me. It’s stupid. Probably the most stupid thing I’ve ever done. Most stupid? Stupidest? Both. Now that everyone knows how stupid smoking is, and the only place us stupid smokers can still light up is outside, I have some grievances. First of all, smoking outside makes me lie a lot. Yeah I have another cigarette. I have a whole pack, actually. Guess who they’re for?

Sure, I bum cigarettes to my friends if they need one, and even the occasional stranger who asks nicely. It’s all about how you ask, how many I have left, and if I have the money to buy more.

You see I’m an addict.

I thought about taking some pills to help me quit. That was until I read this on Champix’s website:

“Some people have had changes in behavior, hostility, agitation, depressed mood, suicidal thoughts or actions while using CHANTIX to help them quit smoking. If you, your family, or caregiver notice agitation, hostility, depression, or changes in behavior, thinking, or mood that are not typical for you, or you develop suicidal thoughts or actions, anxiety, panic, aggression, anger, mania, abnormal sensations, hallucinations, paranoia, or confusion, stop taking CHANTIX and call your doctor right away.”

That sounds worse that cold turkey, if you ask me. I realize you didn’t.

Then there’s the E-Cigarettes. They piss me off more than anything. Why, you ask? Because folks will sit at a bar and puff on them. Puff on them in a meeting. Puff on them at work. Maybe I’m just jealous, but when I’m sitting somewhere where I can’t smoke while Polly Princess is puffing away on her plastic nic stick, it drives me crazy. You can SEE the smoke that she exhales, or water vapor, or whatever the hell it is. Now I REALLY want a cigarette. Thanks. I was doing fine before you had to break that thing out.

I understand that people don’t want second hand smoke in their lungs, on their clothes, and in their hair. I get it. I understand not allowing smoking in stores, restaurants, anywhere that kids go, and bars that serve food. But come on. We can’t smoke in a dive bar? There’s only ten of us in the place, and we all go outside to smoke in the rain- including the bartender.

If the smoking ban would help people quit- GREAT. Let’s ban it on the sidewalks too. It won’t. What about some kind of smoking rehabilitation center to get people off tobacco? Oh, yeah, right. Money. Since the tobacco companies and the government make so much money off smokers, why would they ever stop or try to help people quit? You think showing me a picture of a black lung, or a messed up throat with a voicebox coming out of it is going to make me quit right then and there? No. It makes me want a cigarette. Everything does. Everything.

My solution? Don’t have one. Oh, wait- we could legalize marijuana and use the money that the government would earn from taxing people’s bags of weed to get folks off tobacco and on to a healthier life.

Smoking weed makes me want a cigarette too. Drat.


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11 Comments to “First of all, I know smoking is stupid.”

  1. Alice says:

    i think it's funny sometimes how, officially, nobody smokes any more, but really what that means is that people smoke, they just never buy cigarettes. and we few lingering self-proclaimed smokers, though socially more and more disgusting, can always be counted on to have an extra cigarette.

    • Matty Sheets says:

      I agree, Alice. Roch- I've figured out a way to deal with quitting on my own. Sometimes I really want a cigarette, so what I do is sit down, breathe deeply, and have a cigarette. It's ok because I quit, you know?

  2. roch101 says:

    Let's see, a pill that might make you weird temporarily or cancer? I can see you rationalization, uh, I mean, dilema. I quite wth Chantix over three years ago. I had no side effects, just a complete diminishing of the desire to smoke until I simply didn't want one any more.

  3. roch101 says:

    And I'mgoing to tell Mike you called his bar a dive.

  4. Charles Wood says:

    I love smoking. I'll never quit, god hates quiters afterall. Yes, smoking is bad for you, so is shoving a big mac in your pie hole every day. We all gotta die sometime, even non smokers who jog and all that crap.

  5. Laura says:

    The best solution of all would be time travel to erase all existence of tobacco. As a former 1-2 pack a day gal, I can understand the frustration–PLUS I lived through 2 implementation of smoking bans…first in the UK then here in Greensboro…so I feel your pain, however, I have also been a non-smoker now for nearly 4 years and am so f&cking glad I do not smoke anymore because it is pretty awful for you and the people around you…and if I was still a smoker I would say eff you! to myself but really, we all know it's bad, we all know it's killing us, and we all know **deep down** that we could live without it. believe in yourself and fucking quit like a man (or a woman like me – i went from those 1-2 packs a day to ZERO cigs a day and lived to tell the tale without losing a single friend). let's eternal sunshine of the spotless mind the shit out of all memory of tobacco…

  6. Charles Wood says:

    "The best solution of all would be time travel to erase all existence of tobacco"-Really? Lets go back and destroy a cash crop with provided millions of people with jobs. Also, if tobacco never existed, those people would still have died from something. Banning smoking? That's retarded. If we go down that road, lets ban shoving fast food down on our throats, lets ban drinking, lets ban working dead end, soul sucking jobs that do nothing but make you want to go sylvia plath and shove your head in an oven, lets ban sitting on your ass all day playing video games, lets ban reading when you could go outside and play, lets ban the internet, lets ban coffee and sugary drinks. People are going to fucking die no matter what you ban. Get over it. You little non smokers are going to die like the rest of us.

  7. Killman says:

    Charles, you are an ignorant moron.

  8. Charles Wood says:

    Killman, do you think you're going to live forever? Do you think that by jogging, going to the gym, and exercising forever you can outrun death? Do think eating healthy, buying local and organic, being a vegan, staying away from addictive chemicals causes you to be immune from death? Millions of non-smokers die everyday and some day you too will die, just like us smokers. You'll die alone, like everyone else, in a puddle of your own feces wishing that you enjoyed the one chance at life you had. Don't take life too seriously, you'll never make it out alive.

  9. Keith Warther says:

    Yes we will all die someday, but we should all learn to get along while we are alive.

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